From Burnout to Thriving

Looking back, I’m not sure how I managed to pack so much in, but I truly did live a very full life. On top of attending college full time I held down three part time jobs, volunteered on reception at a local counselling service, attended air cadets, was part of a local church group and did whatever other courses I could in the evenings which included dressmaking and counselling. I loved to be outdoors and very much enjoyed being part of the generation which got to enjoy days spent with friends as long as I was ‘back for tea’. I loved my life on ‘full juice’ and it didn’t ever occur to me that it would ever need to be any other way.

Here’s what I know now, but I didn’t for many years, ‘the juice’ is the key.

‘The juice’ is another term for life force, our soul’s essence if you like, the ever knowing and ‘true’ self. It’s meant to flow in abundance, and when it depletes, we feel it.

Now I understand what it’s like to know this juice and its ebb and flow, I know how to fan the flames, increase the abundance of it, to harness it and direct the flow. However, for many years I didn’t and I paid one of the highest prices for it.

You see, my strong work ethic, driven and (at times) stubborn nature, coupled with always wanting to grow and challenge myself, is a pretty awesome concoction for a pretty epic life. Those are also the very attributes that work against yourself if you are no longer operating in alignment with your ‘juice’.

Those very traits kept me grinding away for so much longer than I should have done, pushing way beyond my limits to the point of total and complete exhaustion. I had become so disconnected from my true self that I could no longer harness my life force, and I almost ran out.

It brings us to that fateful night when I found myself in a crumpled heap on the floor of the bedroom, physically unable to pull the weight of my body up onto the bed.

It was late Friday night, I was amidst yet another 100 hour week. What had started as a ‘meltdown’, aka me unable to do anything at all for a weekend, which happened once every few months, had gradually been getting more frequent to the point where it was every weekend. That night, something in me finally broke. I let out the most violent cries that has ever been released from my body and I shook uncontrollably as I struggled to release the tears. Having fought so hard for so long to keep going, that night I gave in. I flung my arms in the air as I shouted the words upwards ‘I am done. I am out. You win. I can’t do this anymore.’

What followed was the most serene peace and calm I have ever felt. Everything seemed to go quiet as my body was still and my mind was empty for the first time in I couldn’t remember how long. I felt like I was in some kind of suspended reality.

Then I became aware of a tiny spark of light coming from the depths of my being. Everything else was dark, there was just this tiny flicker of a flame. I didn’t have the word ‘juice’ or life force back then, but I recognised this light, I felt it’s familiarity, I knew it was my true self and it was holding on by a thread. I then heard a voice as clear as though it was coming through my ears, ‘this is YOUR business, do with it what YOU want’. Suddenly a lightbulb exploded in my mind, it’s like in my breaking down, I broke free. I reconnected with my life force.

The very next day I set about making changes to bring the business more into alignment with my true self, and I lived happily ever after…

Although I didn’t.

That breakdown did trigger lots of positive changes for me, but unbeknownst to me, a little known trauma response called fawning (I'll do a separate blog post on this soon), was working in the background ensuring I’d find myself back there again.

Burnout is a state of emotional, physical and mental exhaustion which I discuss in more detail here.

There is no quick fix with burnout, you have to face the underlying subconscious patterns that led you there. Of all of the healing journeys I’ve done over the years, the recovery from burnout has been the most challenging. It led to the discovery of the fawning trauma response which is like people pleasing on steroids. I had literally no idea I went through the world operating from this place and the discovery of it meant months of digging into my subconscious and re-writing my programs to ensure I didn’t head straight back to burnout.

I went through periods of huge anger and resentment, at myself and others. I struggled to find compassion and forgiveness as well as learning what I wanted my new programs to be.

But as with the case of healing, there comes a point when you’re deep in the trenches, that the tide starts to turn. You begin to feel the shifts taking effect and the ‘juice’ that has been stuck/trapped or cut off, begins to flow again.

And that’s where I found myself last year at the end of the burnout healing journey, having discovered a whole new level of freedom and connection with my authentic self. It’s a funny journey in some ways because we’re always walking this path of discovery, we don’t ever ‘get there’. But there is definitely a freedom that is found in knowing our true self, releasing ourself from the grip of trauma responses and subconscious patterns that aren’t really us, and creating a life that is once again filled with ‘juice’.

Click here to find out where that took me…